Sit, Sweat, and Be Silent
The unwritten rules of sauna civility.Perspiring in a sauna is all the rage these days—and for good reason.
It gives a rosy hue to your cheeks, may extend your meaningless existence by years, and can feel like an oasis of calm in the tumble dryer of everyday life. But blissfully little do some saunagoers know that, beneath the idyllic surface of this eight-by-eight toaster, they are the object of scorn and violent rumination in the minds and mutterings of fellow and generally much hairier perspirators.
And it need not be so!
It’s so simple to fit in, to do what’s good and proper. Of course, there is a species of man who knows what’s good and proper and does the exact opposite anyway. I’m not writing this for them. They’re a lost cause—and deserve what’s coming to them.
I’m writing this for the men and women (if this vile behavior extends to the fairer sex) who mean well but simply don’t know any better. I’d like to give them the opportunity to correct their ways or, at the very least, knowingly play with fire.
See, to many folks, saunas are akin to a place of worship. Ergo, it’s a place for somber reflection, hushed tones, nods, and surreptitious glances—not for entering in the manner of a pinball and running your mouth about Tim Ferriss. Wipe that smile off your face, lower your eyes, open and close the door discreetly (but with respectful urgency, demonstrating that you appreciate the value of heat), greet your fellow worshippers by way of a demure nod or “hey” or “hi” or any other standard form of greeting, and move forward in a slight crouching fashion, as when shuffling to your seat in a cinema. Saunagoers wish to contemplate Plato, the higher good, their latest hare-brained scheme—not your fat head. Only after five minutes have you earned the right to take an audible breath.
Speaking of breath: reserve your Bhastrika Pranayama, Kapalbhati Pranayama, Lion’s Breath, Breath of Fire, Wim Hof Breathing, and all other forms of breathing that suggest you’re in the grip of a mental breakdown for private life. If you don’t, fellow saunagoers will quietly shake their heads and wonder what’s wrong with you—at best. More likely, they’ll long for the good old days when you could still lick a man and not spend your best years in jail for it. Stay quiet, stay normal. Protect yourself and your reputation.
Do you know when else you should be quiet? When the eyes of your intended victim are shut. It’s not uncommon for two male saunagoers, when alone, to exchange a few words to relieve the slight tension that may arise when a couple of slippery, semi-naked men find themselves enclosed in a small, romantically-lit space.
Often, however, one of the parties, tired after a long day in the trenches, will close his eyes to signal that he wishes to meditate in silence. To engage this worshipper in conversation is tantamount to sin. After all, do you interrupt a man receiving the Holy Communion to inquire into his line of business? Of course not. Control yourself.
Of all the ways that you can blunder and make otherwise peaceful saunagoers fantasize about hitting you over the head with a thermometer, ladling water onto the heating rocks without their blessing is undoubtedly the most egregious. Even the most understanding of men will, in the unusually high heat of the moment—thanks to your thoughtless action—consider you immoral and in need of an expert beating.
Squeezing your pre-mix of water and eucalyptus oil onto the furnace without pre-approval, no matter how invigorating in the right context, is the closest you’ll ever come to being stomped on in 180 degrees Fahrenheit. The only thing hotter than those coals will be the brains of your fellow saunagoers, glowing red like dragon tonsils each time a squirt of water from your plastic bottle erupts into a cloud of impertinent steam on the rocks.
Of course, unlike you, your fellow saunagoers know what’s good and proper, so they’ll likely restrain themselves and may only tell you to knock it off, albeit through gritted teeth; but in their heart of hearts, they’ll feel nothing but contempt for you.
Heed my advice: know the rules, and abide by them. Men have been strangled for less than acting like a jackass in a sauna.
And, for god’s sake, please shower before you enter, will you?
You stink.